Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My last name is Zilla.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.