“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Ok but actually
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE