Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
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No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.