[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Krampus.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
This is always good for a laugh.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]