when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
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Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume