“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!