[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.