do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Golf would be better with landmines.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.