*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
sigh
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Just as the prophecy foretold