A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I need a headline like this
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk