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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
#winning
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Solving a traffic jam
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle