Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
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Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
you know what ruined my childhood? children
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.