Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle