ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
ACED my prostate exam!
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.