Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
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i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.