Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
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I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.