The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
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ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time