I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Living the best life.. 😊
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates