Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order