My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.