My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
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Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is