Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
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some cats are just doing for fun!
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.