No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
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The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”