[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
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I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Put a ring on it
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice