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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I mean…but I did
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?