Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters