DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
U talkin 2 me?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”