Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
BETRAYAL
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.