Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
his wife is probably gonna see that
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed