Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
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barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*