how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Gemma Correll
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t