You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.