If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can