I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.