Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Important reminders
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.