Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity