The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
You Might Also Like
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
#Caturday
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.