When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
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FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.