On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
this is funnier than any friends episode
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
found this cool rock hiking today
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Cndnsd Mlk
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn