I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
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I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
the Monday after daylight savings
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.