Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I can’t stop laughing at this
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you