[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
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The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.