“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
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Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.