Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
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Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.