Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I’m not stressed
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…