Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
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Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Anyone really
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives