“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
You Might Also Like
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Bruh PLEASE
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!