gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
You Might Also Like
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore