Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
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My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.