Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.